In part 2 of this series on the emotions of coaching, I want to explore the issues new coaches face, and the particular emotional characteristics needed to work effectively with teenagers. I think both topics connect around trust, because trust takes time to build and the older the athlete, the longer that process.
As coaches we are often in the position of changing teams, or changing roles within a team. And because of that, the kids we coach, especially the teenagers, have many years of history with other coaches. We do not coach in a vacuum, and their history of good or bad experiences with previous coaches is always at work in the present moment – the past is always with us. For those of you who have been running your system in the same place for 5 or more years, you do not currently face the same challenges, but new assistants may.
A new coach (and by “new” I mean having worked for a team for a year or less) has to win over the trust of the athletes. Do not confuse trust with how much they like you. The swimmers may like you as a person before trusting you as a coach. Until they have a track record with you, or until you have a track record with other swimmers they know, they will be unsure of your effectiveness. This isn’t usually a calculated, cognitive skepticism on their part, it’s emotional. And it’s also historical, they are likely to have had at least one coach prior to you that they succeeded with, and that coach will be their standard. And do we not sometimes do the same to them? We probably have had athletes in our past who did very well under us. Do they not become the standard by which we judge our new athletes? Neither mindset is fair or useful, the more you (and they) can start fresh with a blank slate, the faster a real connection can be made.
The new coach must be aware of this dynamic and appreciate that only an accumulation of good coaching over time will build trust. The new coach must be patient with the kids and not take comments like, “The old coach told me to do it this way” personally. The past is always present, you must understand that as they learn your new ways.
Part of trust building are “tests” the athletes will put you through. I use quotes around tests because they may not be testing you consciously, but they are doing it. They will see if you are consistent in your rules, your promises and your reactions. It’s imperative to be consistent with kids of all ages. Don’t say, “We will start this set over if anyone doesn’t streamline” if you aren’t prepared to start the set over! And if you make that rule not just for today but always, you really better be ready to stop the best set of the season! You can’t lecture them about treating each other with respect and then join in when they are teasing each other or making jokes. You can’t say “no cursing” and then not call someone out after they curse – what you allow, you endorse. Threats or promises that aren’t kept break trust. This is just like the back and forth they have with their parents, testing boundaries, testing resolve, and that is all a natural part of forming their own self-identity. I’ve found the better athletes actually do more of this. The most obedient, most cooperative kids are often lower performing on average. A group of sheep isn’t the best group.
As a side note, almost all of this applies to the parents as well. Their good or bad history with a previous coach (or with the club in general) is always at work in your interactions. Some will be thrilled the old coach is gone, some will be mad, and some will test your resolve. Youth factors into that as well, the younger the coach, the longer it takes for the parents to respect you. Do what you say, and say what you do. Be fair, friendly and consistent.
With the athletes on deck, beware of overcompensation. Say you want to prove to them you are a good coach, so you keep referencing the success of kids on your old team. Do that often enough and they’ll think you don’t value them. Or say you want them to believe you know the science of swimming, so you talk over their heads using big terms. Keep that up and they will tune you out. Or say you want them to like you, so you make lots of jokes and tell funny stories. Too much of that and you have a group that sees you as the “easy coach.” Or say you want them to think you are tough and that they must respect you, so you yell and punish and snap at them. Too much of that generates hatred. Overcompensation is a manifestation of insecurity. Examine that, address it in yourself, and you will be a better coach.
The athletes will also judge you based on how the experienced staff talk about you, talk to you and act around you. You may not be able to control that, but you can control your reactions to them. It’s easy to act friendly toward the other coaches you like, but perhaps the one you don’t get along with was the favorite of the best swimmer in your new group. The swimmers judge you against their histories and the attitudes toward you by people they respect.
There is certainly more to talk about regarding the challenges of being a new coach, but let’s move into the emotional challenges that are particular to coaching teenagers. I’m thinking more senior age swimmers here than the 13-14s. If I had to put my finger on the emotional challenge that is front and center each day with a teenager it is “attitude.” Some of them are blessed with positive attitudes; they smile, they work hard, they make jokes, they listen, they are respectful, which makes them the ones we like to see each day. In others, the attitude can range from grumpy/whiney, to sarcastic/not caring, to downright hostile. What’s a coach to do with all this in his underpaid, over-worked, face every day?
When Bobby Cox, the long-time manager of the Atlanta Braves, retired after the 2010 season, he was asked by a journalist what advice he would give young managers coming up. He had a one word response: “Patience.” You must have great patience. And you must have perspective on where they are at in their own lives. It is a bit cliché but nonetheless true, you don’t know what’s been going on in the past 22 hours at school or at home. They may feel like they deserve a pat on the back for even making it to practice that day, and then when you hammer them on their bad attitude, it’s going to get ugly.
I don’t know about you, but looking back I must have been unpleasant to coach in high school. I won’t get into all the reasons for that, but trust me, I was no ideal swimmer. Were you? Actually, if you were, if you were the apple of the coach’s eye, if you were really fast and hard working and the team captain, and if you won the award for “best guy ever” at the end of the year, I’m not sure you will make a great coach. Well, maybe you will, but you will have to work hard at understanding the rest of us who were jerks as teenagers. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be you and see all these kids who you were better than as a swimmer, and a person, constantly screwing up, yet again! Empathy will be your goal.
For me, and for most of you, just try to remember what it was like to be that age for a little while. Let all those negative memories come flooding back and you will start to be less reactive to their attitudes. And that’s the key, less reactive in the moment. Accept their failings and shortcomings, accept them as people whose brains are far from fully developed, whose judgment is impaired, whose life experience is tiny, whose identity is not set, and whose main goal is being liked by the other teenagers. If you can do that, then you can relax, be patient, be yourself more fully, and keep the focus on instruction, correction and motivation.
I know some of you are squirming right now thinking, “This is some touchy-feely nonsense. Our job is to make these kids better swimmers, better people, improve all those things you just said to accept. This is sports, you got to be tough to win!” Well, I agree actually. I think the best way to change someone is to bring them closer, not reject them. You accept them as people, with their faults and all, and then you nudge them to be better than they are. You nudge them every day, and if they don’t interpret what you are saying as a rejection and devaluation of them as people, then they will be more likely to change.
When a teenager really gets under your skin, try to take a step back and look at him/her as a child. When I would coach 9-10s, me and another coach of the same age group would always reminder ourselves (and the parents) “they are only 10!” when our expectations would get too high, or our frustration would boil over. Well, that teenager is 16, and don’t forget that while he may be as big as an adult, or try to talk like one, he is still a child.
9 out of 10 kids are doing their best each day, and what we are trying to do is teach them to reach past their current best to find out they can do way more, be far better, and be much faster. The motto of the Leadville 100 mile ultramarathon is, “You are tougher than you think you are, you can do more than you think you can.” Accept, instruct, correct, motivate, and be patient. Repeat daily.
